Self-Comparison: The Thief of Joy
Comparing ourselves to others is a universal human experience, deeply stitched into the fabric of our social lives. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we often find ourselves measuring our accomplishments and possessions against those of people around us. This behaviour, rooted in our psyche, begs the question: Why do we engage in comparison, and how does it impact our lives?
Social psychologist Leon Festinger's Social Comparison Theory, proposed in 1954, suggests that comparing ourselves to others is a natural drive to evaluate our own abilities and opinions. It's a way for us to gauge our progress and identify areas for improvement. By observing the successes and failures of others, we set benchmarks for ourselves, aiming to reach or surpass them. This approach can serve as a powerful motivator for personal growth and development.
However, the path of comparison comes at a price. As we compare our life bloopers with others’ highlight reels and achievements it leads us down a spiral of inadequacy and self-doubt. Studies, including those by social psychologists like Susan T. Fiske in 2011, have shown that comparing our weaknesses to others' strengths can lead to a host of negative emotions, such as jealousy, low self-esteem, and dissatisfaction with our own lives.
My own experience of comparison When I started out my career after qualifying as a coaching psychologist, I quickly became trapped in the self-comparison trap. Social media, with its endless stream of posts from other coaches looking like they had everything figured out, got to me. They were all success stories, confidence, and a long list of clients. Here I was, trying to find my footing, and there they were, seemingly miles ahead.
I began to question if I was good enough. Seeing all these coaches, I felt like I had to do what they were doing to get noticed; the hard sell, putting up videos talking directly to the camera about my achievements or why I'm the go-to person. But it just didn’t sit right with me. It felt like I was losing a bit of myself trying to follow what seemed like the "successful formula".
Finding My PathAfter a while I began to rethink what success meant to me. It wasn't about being the loudest in the room or the one with the most eye-catching posts. It was about connecting genuinely with my clients, understanding their needs, and helping them navigate their paths. The moment I shifted my focus from comparing my journey to others to honing my unique approach and strengths, things started to change.
I began to appreciate the progress I was making in my own right. Positive psychology, as highlighted by Martin Seligman in 2002, emphasizes the role of gratitude in enhancing our well-being. By practicing gratitude and recognizing the good in my life, I was able to shift my perspective from what I lacked to what I had achieved.
Here's How You Can Break the Self-Comparison Cycle:1. Acknowledge Your Feelings:
Recognise when you're comparing yourself to others and acknowledge how it makes you feel. Understanding your emotions is the first step toward changing your mindset.
2. Set Personal Goals:
Focus on your own growth by setting personal goals. Make them specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART). Celebrate your own achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
3. Limit Social Media Intake:
Social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy. Try to limit your time on these platforms, and curate your feeds to include more content that inspires and uplifts you, rather than making you feel less than.
4. Practice Gratitude:
Start a gratitude journal or take time each day to think about what you're thankful for. Gratitude shifts your focus from what you're lacking to what you have, enhancing your overall well-being.
5. Use Comparison Constructively:
If you find yourself comparing, try to shift from envy to inspiration. Instead of feeling bad about what someone else has achieved, let it motivate you to pursue your own goals and dreams.
6. Celebrate Others' Success:
Instead of viewing others' success as a benchmark for what you're not achieving, try to celebrate it. This can help foster a sense of community and shared joy, rather than competition.
7. Focus on Your Strengths:
Spend time reflecting on your strengths and accomplishments. This can help build self-confidence and reduce the tendency to compare yourself negatively to others.
8. Adopt a Growth Mindset:
Embrace the belief that you can develop and improve through dedication and hard work. A growth mindset helps you see challenges as opportunities to grow, rather than as threats.
This personal shift underscores a broader lesson: the balance between using comparison as a tool for growth and allowing it to undermine our happiness lies in our focus. By concentrating on self-improvement and our own journey, rather than the perceived success of others, we can mitigate the negative effects of comparison. Carol Dweck's concept of a Growth Mindset, introduced in 2007, reinforces this idea. Adopting a mindset that values progress over perfection can lead us to a healthier emotional and mental state.
References:
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human relations, 7(2), 117-140.
Fiske, S. T. (2011). Social beings: Core motives in social psychology. John Wiley & Sons.
Seligman, M. E. (2002). Authentic happiness: Using the new positive psychology to realize your potential for lasting fulfillment. Simon and Schuster.
Dweck, C. S. (2007). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
If you find yourself struggling with the cycle of self-comparison and it's impacting your mental or emotional well-being, I can help you break free from its trap. To explore how we can work together to overcome these challenges, feel free to book a clarity call for a chat about your specific needs and goals. Let's take that first step towards a more confident and fulfilled you.
