Being your Authentic self

Authenticity is a topic I am constantly revisiting with my coaching clients. Its value should not be underestimated, as it is a theme that can impact many areas of our lives. Living authentically has a direct effect on our confidence, how we view ourselves, the choices we make in life as well as our level of happiness and wellbeing.

We could all benefit from asking ourselves, am I really living authentically? The answer to this question may well be the reason you find yourself questioning is this all there is? Why do I feel unfulfilled?

CARL JUNG ONCE SAID, THE PRIVILEGE OF A LIFETIME IS TO BECOME WHO YOU TRULY ARE.

So, what does it mean to be truly authentic, and how can we begin to cultivate that into our daily lives?

What does it mean to be authentic? 

Being authentic means living and being in the world in a manner that is genuine with whom we believe ourselves to be. In other words, living a life that reflects our own beliefs and values. At first glance, this might sound simple enough, but if we take a closer look we may notice there are times when what we believe to be an authentic choice is actually one influenced by external factors such as societies view of success, our parent’s ideals and cultural and religious beliefs. We often allow these variables to influence our decisions because we want to keep those around us happy. For this reason, it is difficult to know where to draw the line and define authenticity on our own terms.

But don’t external factors shape us and make us who we are?

Firstly, let’s be clear about what these external factors are. As mentioned above, society, culture and our upbringing play a part, but so do key individuals and moments in our lives. That first toxic boyfriend, or amazing relationship, our school years, the bond we had or lacked with a parent. All these aspects shape the view we hold of the world and the beliefs we live by. They also define the values that we may unknowingly choose to live by. Being bullied at school may mean you now value courage, a controlling ex may mean you value independence.

The key to being our authentic selves lies in our ability to differentiate between values that are our own and making choices that stem from that. Not on making choices based on how we want to be treated or perceived by those around us. Differentiating between these two points is fundamental to living authentically or living to please and be accepted by others.

Multiple identities and the authentic me.

I was born in the Canary Islands and grew up in Sierra Leone before moving to Lebanon and then London all by the age of 9. My father is Lebanese, and my mother is Spanish. My ethnic mix is steeped in culture and tradition, at times these two halves of myself draw similarities to one another and at other times they are vastly different.  So, with these juxtaposing sides which is the authentic me? Moving around so much in early life taught me to make friends easily. Going from the peaceful village of Telde in Gran Canaria to fleeing the war in Sierra Leone and then Lebanon meant I became skilled at adapting quickly to different environments and different people. When I settled in London, I formed different friendship groups who lived such vastly different lives from one another that I wondered if I could ever socialise with them collectively. Growing up I often thought who am I really? which group is my true tribe? The truth is they all are. We are not one-dimensional. You and I are made up of multiple identities which together form who we ultimately are. At the centre of all of them, at the centre of you, are the values you choose to live by, this is the glue that holds all the fragments of you together, this is your essence.

How do our values help us become more authentic?

Harter a leading researcher on the topic of authenticity defines it as acting and expressing oneself in ways that are consistent with ones inwardly experienced values, desires and emotions. Our values are the things we believe to be most important. They help us determine our priorities in life and heavily influence decision-making. Our values are like a compass that guides us through life. For example, a person who values wealth might prioritise their career, while a person who values family might try to spend more time at home. We feel at our most authentic when we live by our values. When our values do not match our actions e.g. valuing family but working a lot, we can start to feel disconnected, lose motivation, and have lower levels of well-being. An integral component to achieving authenticity is identifying your values and being true to them. This is then followed by making choices and prioritising decisions based on those values. This is when we feel most authentic.

Defining your values and achieving authenticity.

With the help of these questions, you are going to identify your most important values. Values are not set for life. Momentous experiences and life-changing events may well change your values and cause you to prioritise them differently. That is ok, we are ever-changing and evolving, the things you found important and meaningful at 16 are not going to be the same when you are 32.

1.     Think of the values that shaped you, these can be from your parents, your faith, culture, society etc. make a list of 3 values for each of them. For example, my parents’ values where, hard work, respect, and honesty.

2.     What values do you most admire and appreciate in others?

3.     What ruffles up your feathers, or makes you angry? For instance, seeing others suffer, rude people etc.

4.     Think of a momentous experience. What was so great about it, did you feel peaceful, accomplished, safe?

5.     What values do you think others would say you are currently living by? Be as honest as you can here. For example, I may value family, and health. But the way I am currently living may mean others would assume I value hard work, and success.

6.     Now you have done this, you will begin to get a clear picture of the values that have shaped your life as well as the behaviours that may have triggered positive and negative emotions and feelings within you either because they aligned with, or went against your values. Take some time now to breath out, clear your mind and write down a list off all the values you want to live by. Take your time with this, you may write a hundred things or may struggle to write 3. Don’t worry if you find this difficult, look through your notes for some guidance. Finally, narrow these downs to between 3 and 5 values.

Now you have identified your values, revisit them from time to time. Go back to them when you feel stuck with decisions whether they are big or small. Use them as a compass when you feel rudderless. They are a reminder of what you stand for. Living by them will allow you to live an authentic life.

 If you would like to explore values further and want to learn how to increase meaning, motivation, fulfillment or achieve more confidence then drop me a line and we can have a chat about how coaching may be helpful.

To get in touch click here.

REFRENCES:

Harter, S. (1999). Symbolic interactionism revisited: Potential liabilities for the self-constructed in the crucible of interpersonal relationships. Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 45, 677–703.

 Harter, S. (2002). Authenticity. In C. R. Snyder & S. J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 382–394). New York: Oxford University Press.

Ryan, R. M., Sheldon, K. M., Kasser, T., & Deci, E. L. (1996). All goals were not created equal: The relation of goal content and regulatory styles to mental health. In J. A. Bargh & P. M. GoUwitzer (Eds.), The psychology of action: Linking motivation to cognition and behavior (pp. 7-26) . New York: Guilford.

 Sheldon, K. M., Gunz, A., & Schachtman, T. R. (2012). What does it mean to be in touch with oneself? Testing a social character model of self-congruence. Self and Identity, 11, 51–70.